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The Politeness Pundit
By Susan Dunn, MA, Emotional Intelligence Coach, Thu Dec 8th
If you’re actually reading this article, you may be one of thosecloset politeness pundits yourself. Here, I’ll save you fromhaving to look it up. It’s from the Sanskrit (pandita) and means“ a learned man” (while I am female) or “one who gives opinionsin an authoritative manner.” Is that you? If so, huzzah, you’ve found a fellow champion (andI, you)! Do you walk around shaking your head these days, wondering whyit all has to be so nasty? Do you listen to someone cop anattitude to someone else (beyond the age of, say, 18, wherecopping an attitude is expected) and have that ‘nails on ablackboard’ feeling? Do you watch someone go after someone elseat work in a perfectly awful way, seemingly just for the sportof it, and shudder? Do you wonder where the politeness has gone?And why?
If so, you may wonder, as I do, what their childhood was likethat they failed to rise above the stuff of childhood. Now, I’lladmit I had the perfect childhood for exploring my own nastinessand the limitations of the rewards of same. I had a twin sister(as well as other siblings). Twins spend an inordinate amount oftime together. It’s the ultimate test: get along or die. We fought like cats and dogs. Mother would banish us to separaterooms and we’d cry to get back together again (so she said).What’s a mother to do? Eventually she gave up, smart woman thatshe was, and let us sort it out. What was I to do? My twin took my necklace, slopped her thingsall over my side of the room, took MY Snicker’s bar,occasionally lost her temper and said nasty things to me, andsometimes (when Mother wasn’t looking, which was most of thetime) even slapped me around a bit. And she was always there!That’s the thing: it doesn’t go away. On the other hand, I never had to start school alone. I couldtake her Snicker’s bar, as well as borrow her necklace. I neverhad to wake up alone in the night. And we could gang up onsomeone who was nasty to one of us. I can’t say I “struggled” with this; it was just a fact of life,and in some muddled child-y sort of way, I figured out the goodoutweighed the bad, and that I’d just have to figure outsomething. It was helped by an act of fate: my father’s latest promotionlanded us in a new high school of 4,000, not knowing anyone buteach other. I think we both decided it might be smart to getalong with one another. While we weren’t that crazy about one another at that point, wewere all we had. And there’s a sense in which that’s true of allof us, no? There in that office where you work is this little group ofpeople you’re stuck with all day long, like it or not. So whynot get along? Would it be so difficult? No, it would not, andit brings nice results. If you’re the egocentric type – it helpsyour health. If you’re another type – you’ve learned by now, I’msure, that sugar works better than vinegar, or however thatsaying goes. I’m struck with the irrelevant things people blame theirnastiness on – I can’t stand my manager, they don’t know how todo things around here, she gets on my nerves, they don’tappreciate me … and then the I have a headache, backache,teenager at home, PMS. Who doesn’t? That’s an excuse, not areason. It isn’t all about you. And check out your premises. Who saidyou have to like someone to get along with them? Who says youhave to be feeling good to behave in a civilized manner? It’s the same with marriage – barring true pathology on theparty of the first part, or the second, you’re going toencounter the same set of bowling pins at the end of everybowling alley. Things are not, nor will they ever be, arrangedfor your sole satisfaction. Because we live and work together, we have etiquette (or usedto): the rules of how to behave in public. It may beexperiencing a comeback. Some of us would be relieved to seemore of it. OFFICE SCENARIOS ·Pollyanna walks through the usual stress-filled office with abig smile on her face and Scrooge says, “Why are you smiling?Are you on drugs or something?” POLITENESS POINT: If you’re sounhappy you must stamp out all signs of it in others, gettherapy. ·Mario turns a corner and runs into someone who snarlsat him. POLITNESS POINT: Since when did we stop walking (as wedrive) on the right side (not the ‘correct’ side, theright-as-opposed-to-left side) of the hallway? The rules arewhat make orderly life possible. You see how many squabblescould be prevented if we did something like this? ·People walkin without greeting one another, which not only makes itimpossible for the phone receptionist to know who’s there, butputs a surly tone to it all. POLITENESS POINT: Didn’t yourmother instruct you to say “Good morning. Did you sleep well?”when you came to the breakfast table? COROLLARY: Whether youmeant it or not. That’s sort of the point. ·Flick hands Flack aphone message, who takes it, grunts, turns oh his heel and walksoff. POLITENESS POINT: What happened to “Thank you” and “You’rewelcome.” ·Curly, Larry and Moe head out to lunch, not invitingthe
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4th member of the department to join them, for whateverreason, and saying nothing. POLITENESS POINT: “We’re going tohave lunch to talk about our part of the project. I know you’vehad enough of it, so you don’t have to come.” ·Playing the gameof “let’s get the new person.” POLITENESS POINT: Frat hazing isfor frat boys. Grow up. ·Someone comes from anotherculture/dresses weird/is known to be a stamp collector/takespunctuation a little too seriously so let’s mob up on them andmake their life miserable. POLITENESS POINT: Very astute,Sherlock, that they’re different, but if you need to makesomeone else feel small in order to make yourself feel big, gettherapy. ·Mary’s bored so she starts a rumor about Harry.POLITENESS POINT: Isn’t there some work you’re supposed to bedoing? ·You’re the boss, it’s your shop, you fought andscrambled to get there, so now you’ve earned the right to actlike a petulant two-year-old. POLITENESS POINT: Life is long.What goes around comes around. COROLLARY: Do you have any ideawhat you look like when you’re acting that way? ·When you wereclimbing up the ladder Attila the Hun was nasty to you, so nowit’s your turn. POLITENESS POINT: Instead of “turn about is fairplay,” how about getting your knuckles off the ground andtreating people the way you wish you’d been treated and weren’t?In addition to giving you a delicious sense of righteousness, itcould also save your health, not to mention that of those aroundyou. ·You can’t control yourself because you’re under too muchstress/have more to do than everyone else/produce the most/arespecial. POLITENESS POINT: Give me a break. · You don’t likesomething about someone so you’re rude. POLITENESS POINT: If youaren’t past the point of logic and reason, did you ever considerthey probably don’t like something about you as well, so that’snot a reason! WHAT IS POLITENESS? Etiquette and good manners sort of level the playing field inyour head. It means how you act regardless of whom you’re with.Therefore it shows more about you than about the other, i.e.,Dave Barry’s quote that someone who’s nice to you, but not niceto the water, is not a nice person. And BTW, the point of being nice isn’t to be popular; it’s aboutsmoothing out daily interactions. Etiquette eliminates a lot ofthe friction that drives us all nuts. We can all be littlebeasties. That’s why dinner manner developed … there we all arewith sharp instruments in our hands. SOME ETIQUETTE TIPS: 1.If you haven’t figured out yet that you have a choice how youfeel, act and think, and that they affect your health, do somereading, get some coaching, get enlightened. 2.Your EmotionalIntelligence, your ability to manage yourself and yourrelationships (of all kinds), affects your success, happiness,and health. 3.Learn where the silverware goes. One reason peopleare nasty is because they feel inferior, and there are books youcan read and courses you can take that will get you to a levelwhere you’re comfortable. Here, I can tell you in one sentencesomething that will help: “Work the silverware from the outsidein.” (There’s more, but not a whole lot more.) 4.Say “please,”“thank you,” “you’re welcome,” and “I apologize.” (I apologizeis great, BTW, because that you can always do, while you may notreally “be sorry” in the strictest sense of the term. (Hey, I’ma pundit!) 5.Ask permission. You may intend to take a cell phonecall during the lunch one way or another, but politenessdictates you ask (“I’m expecting an important call I must take.Do you mind?”). The beauty is politeness will dictate theyrespond, “Why no, I don’t mind at all.” See how it works? 6.ReadEmily Post (in its 16th edition). Would it help persuade you toknow it’s listed on www.navyadvancement.com ? 7.Pay attention tothe small things. Walk on the righte side, let others in frontof you in line when you can afford to (it’s goodself-discipline), smile, use people’s names, pass the salt andpepper, offer to get something or do something for someone elseonce in a while. 8.Don’t put people who use good manners in thepenalty box. There’s a creeping sentiment these days thatsomeone who says please and thank you is a lightweight. 9.Keepsome boundaries. It used to be not everyone wanted to hear aboutyour sex life, religious preference or political persuasion.Nowadays there are 50 additional things not imagined 25 yearsago that we don’t want to hear about. Save it. THE PAY OFF Reduced friction. Less stress. Studies show repeatedly that money is not the top reason whypeople stay at jobs. They want an environment of respectfulness,and to feel meaning and purpose in what they do. Etiquetteaccomplishes both. If you’re in a respectful situation, yourespect the situation. Get it? About the author:© Susan Dunn, MA, Emotional Intelligence Coach and Consultant,http://www.susandunn.cc . Susan is the author of “Why MannersMatter: EQ at Work, at Home, at Play” and other ebooks onimportant matters. She offers individual coaching in emotionalintelligence and etiquette. She also trains and certifies EQcoaches. For FREE EQ ezine, mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc with“ezine” for subject line.
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